Family Jokes
Mary: We’ve got a new baby at our house.
Terry: Is he going to stay?
Mary: I guess so. He brought all his clothes.
Willie: Dad, can I have $5 so I can go see Joey next door?
Dad: Why do you need $5 to go to see Joey?
Willie: Because his mother said he was at the movies!
Father: Why did you put that frog in your brother’s bed?
Ellie: Because I couldn’t find any worms!
Alfie: Dad, there’s a small PTA meeting tomorrow that you have to come to.
Dad: If it’s a small one, do I have to go?
Alfie: Yes, you have to go. It’s just you, me, and my teacher.
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he’s already married.
Ann: Do you have a grandfather?
Jan: No, but he’s okay.
Mother: Didn’t I ask you to pick up your toys?
Son: I did, Mom—and when I was done playing, I put them down again!
Mother: Chuck, be careful with that hammer. You might hit your fingers.
Chuck: No I won’t, Mom. Johnny’s going to hold the nails.
Mother: Debby, I thought I told you to put salt in the saltshaker.
Debby: I tried, Mom, but I couldn’t get the salt through those little holes!
Father: Emily, have you seen the newspaper?
Emily: Yes, Mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it out.
Father: Darn. I’d like to have seen what was in it before she threw it out.
Emily: I can tell you what was in it, Daddy. Some chicken bones, coffee grounds, and old vegetables!
Timmy: My brother just got a puppy.
Jimmy: Do you help take care of him?
Timmy: No, my brother’s old enough to take care of himself.
Father: Son, I’ve got a surprise for you. You’ve got a new baby sister!
Son: Oh! Does Mommy know about the surprise yet?
Q: What do you call your mother’s father when he’s good to you?
A: A Grand-father.
Teddy: Dad, can I please have a dime?
Dad: I think it’s time you stopped asking me for dimes.
Teddy: Okay, how about a dollar?
Q: What always stays hot in the refrigerator?
A: Horseradish.
Voice over Phone: Is your mother home?
Girl: Yes, she is.
Voice: Will you call her to the phone, please?
Girl: Okay, but I’ll have to go down the street to get her.
Voice: I thought you said she was home!
Girl: She is. This is my friend’s house. I live down the street!
Mother: Jackie! It’s after dark. You should have been home an hour ago.
Jackie: Why? What happened?
Ann: Our house is going to be warm this winter.
Pam: How do you know?
Ann: My father just painted it and he gave it two coats.
Q: What’s a good time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty (2:30).
Visitor: Can you play on the piano, Judy?
Judy: No, my mother won’t let me climb up there.
Don: My father’s a sound sleeper.
Ron: How do you know?
Don: His snoring wakes me up.
Dick: My father takes off his baseball cap to only one person.
Rick: Who’s that?
Dick: His barber.
Susie: May I try on that dress in the window?
Salesperson: I’m sorry, ma’am, you’ll have to do it in the dressing room!
Shawn: Does your mother tuck you in every night?
Darrin: No, she plugs me in. I have an electric blanket!
Mother: Bobby, there were 16 cookies in the cookie jar. Now there are only two.
How do you explain that?
Bobby: I don’t know, Mom. I thought I had gotten them all!
Mother: Would you like me to give you something for your cold?
Child: Yeah, how about a quarter?
Mother: How many times have I told you not to come home late for dinner?
Child: I didn’t know I was supposed to keep score.
Q: Why was the boy called Sonny?
A: Because he was so bright.
Mark: My mother can make people do anything she wants them to.
Maya: Really? How does she do it?
Mark: She’s a hypnotist!
Q: What should you take off before going to bed?
A: Your feet from the floor.
Mother: Your cough sounds much better this morning, Bridget.
Bridget: It should. I’ve been practicing all night!
Mother: Here, Peter, this dust brush will do half your work for you.
Peter: Great! Give me two of them.
Lauren: I have to go to the store to buy my mother some toothpaste.
Warren: Why, are her teeth loose?
First Boy: My brother won’t give me anything of his.
Second Boy: Neither will mine. The only thing he ever gave me was chicken pox!
Mother: Tony, why is your little brother crying?
Tony: Because I won’t give him any of my candy.
Mother: But I gave both of you candy. Has his been eaten already?
Tony: Yes, and he cried the whole time I was eating it.
Mother: Danielle! I told you to watch when the soup boils!
Danielle: I did, Mother. It boiled at exactly 6:15!
Mother: Why did you take the hot dogs out of the freezer?
Daughter: I was afraid they were too cold!
Mother: Wendy, please come into the kitchen and help me fix dinner.
Wendy: Why, is it broken?
Mother: Henry! How did the baby get all these bumps on his head?
Henry: Well, you said he was a bouncing baby boy. But I couldn’t get him to bounce!
There was a young lad who said, “Why can’t I have one more piece of pie?”
His mom said, “Pet, you ate all you’ll get.”
So the lad could do nothing but cry.
Mother: Eat your green beans, Susie. They’ll put color in your cheeks.
Susie: Who wants green cheeks?
Johnny: My father bought my mother a new spring outfit.
Tammy: Really? What did he buy her?
Johnny: A rake, fertilizer, and some vegetable seeds.
Kendra: Mommy, Daddy just fell off the 25-foot ladder!
Mother: Oh, no! Is he hurt?
Kendra: No, he just fell off the first step.
Q: Why did Billy take a ruler to bed with him?
A: To see how long he slept!
Son: Dad, why are you spanking me? I admitted I chopped down the cherry tree. Even George Washington’s father didn’t spank him for that.
Father: Yes, but his father wasn’t in the tree when it happened!
Uncle: Ally, I hear you went to the dentist today. Were you brave?
Ally: Yes!
Uncle: Well, for being brave, here’s a dollar. Now tell me, what did the dentist do?
Ally: He pulled out one of my brother’s teeth!
Mother: Jimmy, I thought I asked you to tell Billy that he could come here after supper.
Jimmy: That’s what he’s here after, Mom.
Dad: If you study hard, son, you’ll get ahead.
Son: But Dad, I already have a head.
Sandy: Mom, is Dad still a growing boy?
Mom: No, why do you ask?
Sandy: Because his head is growing up through his hair.
Q: What kind of parent allows the kids to go to bed with their shoes on?
A: A horse.
Jimmy: What have you got in that bag?
Timmy: Oats. It’s a birthday present for my uncle.
Jimmy: Why oats?
Timmy: Because my mother says he eats like a horse!
Jill: My pop can hold up a car with one hand.
Bill: Is he a weight lifter?
Jill: No, he’s a traffic cop!
Jack: What makes you think your mother’s trying to get rid of you?
Mack: Because she wraps my school lunch in a road map.
Young Man: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Girl’s Father: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.
Betty: My sister caught her boyfriend flirting.
Jenny: That’s how my sister caught her boyfriend, too.
Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye?
Jerry: No one gave it to me. I had to fight for it!
Mother: Alice, tomorrow we’re going to the doctor to have your eyes checked.
Alice: But Mom, you know I like polka dots better than checks!
Mike: I think my grandma must be a gardener.
Bobby: How come?
Mike: She says I grow like a weed.
Annie: Mother, the piano tuner is here. Mother: Who sent for the piano tuner? Annie: The neighbors!
Ike: I beat my brother up every morning.
Mike: Really?
Ike: Yep, I get up at seven, and he gets up at eight.
Phil: My dad shaves at least a dozen times a day.
Ronnie: How come?
Phil: He’s a barber.
Charlie: What are you giving your mom and dad for Christmas?
Artie: A list of everything I want.
Q: What’s the best way to make anti-freeze?
A: Take away her electric blanket!
Mother: Charles, why are you standing in front of that mirror with your eyes closed?
Charles: I want to see what I look like when I’m asleep!
Danny: My father’s studying to be an astronaut.
Manny: That a fact?
Danny: Yep. His boss called my mother and told her Pop was taking up space!
Ellen: Our scout troup is going on a 10-mile hike!
Dad: When I was your age, I thought nothing of walking 10 miles.
Ellen: I don’t think much of it, either.
Aunt: Would you like to teach your new baby brother how to talk, Susie?
Susie: No, I’d like to teach him how to be quiet.
Mother: Billy, why is it that you get into more trouble than anyone else in the family?
Billy: I guess it’s because I get up first.
Mae: My baby brother was born in a hospital.
Fay: Why? Was he sick?
Mother: Georgie, will you please take this pot of soup across the street to the Smiths, and find out how old Mrs. Smith is?
Georgie: (Returning) Mrs. Smith said it’s none of your business how old she is!
Mother: Junior, why did you put mud in your sister’s mouth?
Junior: Because it was open!
Q: Why did Junior put ice in his father’s bed?
A: Because he wanted a cold pop.
Julie: I’m writing a letter to my dog Fido.
Jill: But you don’t know how to write.
Julie: That’s okay. Fido doesn’t know how to read!
Mom: It’s going to hurt me to punish you, Son.
Son: Then don’t do it, Mom. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.
Mother: How did you get that hole in your new pants?
Jeff: I fell off the swings.
Mother: Why did you do that in your new pants?
Jeff: I didn’t have time to take them off!
Jason: Where did you get those beautiful eyes?
Jessica: Oh, they came with my face.
Q: What do you call a dead parrot?
A: A polygone.
Marty: Mom, baby sister just swallowed my pencil.
Mom: My goodness, we’ve got to do something about that.
Marty: No, it’s okay, Mom. I’ve got other pencils.
Father: Patty, would you like to join me in a bowl of soup?
Patty: Do you think there’d be room for the two of us?
Dylan: Why are you looking so sad?
Ryan: We’re supposed to go on vacation tomorrow, but my mother always gets sick the night before we leave.
Dylan: Then why don’t you leave a day early?
There once was a girl named Flack, Who lost her best dolly named Jack. “Don’t cry,” said her mother,
“I’ll buy you another.”
Said Flack, “No. I just want Jack back!”
Q: What would you call your brother if he was afraid to swim in the ocean?
A: Chicken of the Sea.
Mary: My father’s a light sleeper.
Harry: Not my father. He sleeps in the dark.
Molly: My mother cooked for 100 people yesterday.
Polly: What was the occasion?
Molly: No occasion. She works in a restaurant.
Susie: I always have to help my little brother catch the bus.
Matt: How come?
Susie: He’s not strong enough to catch a bus by himself!
Ned: My brother sleeps on the bedroom chandelier.
Fred: Why?
Ned: Because he’s a light sleeper!
Bess: My brother has three feet.
Tess: How do you know?
Bess: He wrote my mother from college that he grew another foot.
Danny: Mother! The dog next door just bit off my toe.
Mother: You can’t come in the house now, Danny. I just washed the floor.
Mother: Denny, how did you get your pants so wet?
Denny: I just washed them.
Mother: But why don’t you let them dry before you put them on?
Denny: Because the label says, “Wash and Wear!”
Salesman: Will these stairs take me up to your house?
Little Boy: No, you have to climb them.
Tillie: (At restaurant) Mom, I can’t eat this hamburger. It tastes awful!
Mother: Do you want me to call the waiter?
Tillie: No, I don’t think he’ll be able to eat it, either.
Father: Son, when you grow up I want you to be a gentleman.
Son: But I don’t want to be a gentleman. I want to be just like you!
Delivery Man: Young man, is your mother home?
Young Man: Do you think I’d be pulling these weeds if she wasn’t?
Q: Why are baby girls dressed in pink and baby boys dressed in blue?
A: Because they can’t dress themselves.
댓글